


A Good Start

by freckledandspectacled



Series: Prompt Fills [6]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kissing, Love, M/M, Minor Violence, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Past Violence, Psychopaths In Love, They're Really Fucked Up, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, and that's okay, for now lol, they're learning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 11:01:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9320648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freckledandspectacled/pseuds/freckledandspectacled
Summary: Ed has begun his plan to destroy Oswald and confronts him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I believe that Oswald genuinely loves Ed, and that hurting him helped Oswald learn about real, unselfish love. Consequently, he does not think he is deserving of love like his comic counterpart. Ed loved Oswald but didn't think Oswald was interested in him romantically and moved on to Isabella. After her murder and the revelation that Oswald was behind it, he had a lot of work to do to unpack his feelings and discern which were real. This is my basis for their feelings for one another.

Oswald isn’t sure how much he’s had to drink. It was a lot, he thinks. When Edward Nygma steps into the room, a maniacal grin on his face, it’s suddenly not enough.  


“Oh, how the mighty fall,” Ed hisses. Oswald says nothing. He feels numb. He can’t stand the sight of Ed, yet he loves him so much he aches with it.

“I’m not going to ask you how it feels, Oswald, to lose everything you love. To lose Gotham’s love. I already know what it’s like. Now you do as well,” Ed dictates, coming towards Oswald down the length of the table. Oswald gets the distinct feeling he’s rehearsed this, that he doesn’t actually care what Oswald has to say at all. Ed just needs to say this to him; he wants to look over his work and see how much more _broken_ he’s made Oswald, and somehow, that’s even more infuriating.

“You didn’t have to go to such lengths, Edward,” Oswald hiccups, miserable. It’s no use hiding anything anymore. “I lost everything when I lost you. That trick with my father was cute, though. It would have meant a great deal more if he wasn’t already dead.” Oswald takes another swing from a bottle. He can’t even tell what it is - he’s been drinking non stop since the disaster of the interview and his taste buds have either drowned or burned off. Ed was trying to break a broken man. Oswald already has a method of dealing with his damage: this is nothing new.

Ed pauses halfway down the table, contemplative. He shakes his head, veering for the mantle instead. Their release certificates still hang above it. Edward stares at them. Oswald knows the feeling. _Sentiment_. 

Ed shakes his head, laughing.

“I’ve got it all wrong! This whole exercise, your punishment… it’s been completely worthless. I can’t believe I thought this would mean anything at all to you.”

Then Ed’s face darkens, his voice deepening as he bites out, “You’re not even _capable_ of love.”

Oswald snaps. He’s not even sure why. Perhaps because Ed saying something like that means he never even knew him at all. Too much heart had always been Oswald’s problem. Or perhaps it’s because Ed is well aware of that and said it anyways, making this the biggest lie he’s ever told. Either way, it hurts him, it makes him angry. Drunkenness always did make his temper worse.

He doesn’t even see the liquor bottle sailing through the air, just watches it shatter next to Ed’s head, spraying him with the remaining contents. Ed’s eyes widen, and then he crumples to the floor.

Oh. Oh, no. He didn’t hit him. Oswald saw it, he hadn’t hit him… he didn’t mean to hit him!

Oswald stumbles out of the chair to Ed, who is curled on the floor in a fetal position. His arms are shielding his head and neck. He’s awake, Oswald doesn’t understand-

“Daddy, please. Please don’t. I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Oswald freezes. What was happening, what was Ed doing? Was this a trick?

Suddenly, the things that Ed has never said come to mind. He’s never inquired about Ed’s parents or where he is from. Never cared to, really. Ed never talked about them. Oswald thought perhaps they were dead, and Ed didn’t care to share it with him. That had been the end of it. But… clearly there was more to it than that. The evidence is currently weeping on the floor in front of him. 

Oswald did this to him. The guilt tears at him. 

How pathetic of him. Even after everything Ed has done, every hateful act and word, he still cares. He still feels guilty for hurting him. 

If he was being honest, it was his fault. There were other, smarter ways of dispatching the librarian, of closing Ed’s heart to her. He had done this to himself. Ed was caught in the middle, trying to make sense of his love for Isabella, her loss, Oswald’s betrayal. All Oswald had done so far was sit and take his punishment, hoping that Ed would come around and see that everything he did, he did out of love.

Now Oswald has pushed back, ever so slightly, and just that much had been enough to reveal how broken Ed truly is. He had been teetering on the precipice of something inside of himself, and Oswald had just shattered Ed’s sense of control as easily as he had shattered the bottle that started… whatever this was.

But why? Why had Ed broken down over this, of all things? He’s still murmuring to himself ‘ _daddy_ ’ and ‘ _please_ ’ and ‘ _don’t_ ’ and ‘ _I won’t ever do it again_.’ There’s so much Oswald doesn’t know about him, but he wants to. He’s  not sure how to handle the situation. Ed isn’t having an anxiety attack. It seems more like he’s hallucinating. The bottle shattering by his head was the trigger. His father was the fear.

Abusive childhood? Most likely. He isn’t sure how to comfort Ed, or if he should even try. Would his touch be welcome? Unlikely. Oswald is a man of action, though. He can’t do nothing. He decides to comfort Ed the way Gertrude might have. It’s the only soothing technique he knows.

He pulls Ed off of the floor. Ed pushes weakly at him, “Daddy, no, stop-”

Oswald cradles him to his chest, pulling Ed between his knees as he kneels on the floor. Ed puts his arms between them, trying to push him away. He holds fast despite the fact that it feels wrong, like he should just let him go. He doesn’t. Oswald strokes his hair instead, soothing him, humming a lullaby.

“You’re safe, Ed. I’m the only one here. He isn’t here, he’s not real. I’m real, I’m here, I won’t hurt you. I promise you, I will never hurt you again,” Oswald tells him. It might be an empty promise, but he’ll never know until he either breaks it, or is dead. He’s going to try to keep it anyways.

Ed’s muttering stops, but Oswald doesn’t stop humming the lullaby. He doesn’t want to let go, even if Ed is fine now. It might be the last chance he ever has to hold him, to touch his hair and skin, to feel his warmth.

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Oswald says, after about a minute of Ed’s complete silence. If Ed hadn’t wanted to tell him before Oswald betrayed his trust, he certainly wouldn’t want to now. Oswald wants to apologize for bringing this on, for whatever awful memories that liquor bottle he’d thrown had dredged up.

“I’m so sorry, Ed. I-”

“I hate you,” Ed whispers, his throat rasping. Oswald doesn’t know if he is referring to him or his father. Ed’s shown no sign of being coherent yet, but things being the way they are, he probably means him.

“I love you,” Oswald says. It’s all he can say. It doesn’t matter what Ed’s done, Oswald doesn’t care. The people he loves always leave him - it’s the same old song and dance. They just usually die first. Ed did always have to be exceptional.

“Why?” Ed cries, sobs racking through his body anew.

“I don’t know.” He does. “I wish I didn’t.” He doesn’t.

“Tell me,” Ed whimpers. It’s pathetic. They’re both pathetic, and still, all Oswald wants is to protect him. It’s sick. They’re sick.

“Because I thought you loved me,” Oswald says. That’s why. Because Ed had said he’d do anything for him. He had almost died for him, for something as petty as Oswald’s reputation. In Oswald’s book, that was love. Which made it safe to love Ed back. And he had. My god, he still does. Even now that Ed has shown him just how much that wasn’t true.

“Because you were there for me. Because of the little things you did, and the grand gestures as well. Because you complement who I am in ways no one else does, because I felt like I could speak plainly with you. You were never bothered by the horrible things I did to claw my way to the top, or the terrible deeds I still commit every day to stay there, to become more powerful. Because you never judged me, or realized just how disgusting I truly am…” He doesn’t want to go on, but he may as well bare his soul to Ed before he loses him forever.

“And then you did realize it. I showed you my hand. I showed you that I’m capable of causing the worst hurt to the ones I love, more than I ever could my enemies. I wish I could have gone on fooling you forever. I wish you could have gone on believing I would never hurt you.” Oswald can’t say more, what he’s done to Ed can never truly be forgiven. He had hurt Ed for his own selfish gain, and ruined the only mutually beneficial relationship he’s ever had in the process.

“Often will I spin a tale, never will I charge a fee. I’ll entertain you an entire eve, but alas, you won’t remember me. What am I?“ Ed recites, morose. Oswald doesn’t want to answer. Doesn’t even try. Maybe if he doesn’t ever answer, Ed will never leave.

“It was a dream,” Ed whispers. Oswald says nothing. He’s right; the time they shared together before this whole mess does seem like a dream. 

They stay huddled together on the floor for a long time. As long as Edward isn’t pulling away, Oswald won’t stop holding him, even as his leg aches from kneeling awkwardly on the tile with Edward bunched on his lap.

“Why not keep dreaming?” Ed whispers, so quietly Oswald almost doesn’t catch it. Oswald isn’t sure what that means. Hopefully Ed will explain it to him. He always does. Did. Oswald isn’t sure if their connection is past or present tense.

“Do you still feel that way about me, what you said?” Ed murmurs. He hasn’t moved from where his face is buried in Oswald’s chest. Oswald wishes he could see it, that it might give him some clue as to what he should say.

“I do. I shouldn’t. But I still do.”

“Still what, Oswald?” Ed says, finally pulling his head up to look at him. “I need you to say it.”

Oswald doesn’t want to - not again.

“Say it,” Ed demands, and Oswald notes that he’s still crying.

“I love you,” he says. He still can’t deny Ed anything. Ed was right, love had made him weak. If anyone had done what Ed did to him, they’d be dead. But here he is, holding him, comforting him, telling him he loves him. Even after everything.

“Then let’s go on dreaming.”

Ed kisses him.

Oswald doesn’t kiss him back. Ed’s not himself, clearly. A moment ago he said he hated him. This isn’t right. He was willing to let Ed go, but he will not have his feelings toyed with.

“You need to leave,” Oswald tells him when Ed’s through. Ed looks hurt.

“Why?” he asks, frowning. 

“You don’t want this, not really. Haven’t you done enough, Ed? Haven’t you hurt me enough? Just go. I won’t stand for you playing with my emotions when I know for a fact that you don’t feel the same.”

“I do!” Ed says, “I mean I don’t… but I do.” Ed tears at his hair. “I want to forget this ever happened, to go back to how it was before I got so mixed up. When we cared for each other and there was no bad blood between us.” He looks so distraught. Oswald can’t stand the idea that he did this to him.

“Why did you have to complicate this for me… everything’s wrong, now,” Ed says. Oswald pulls Ed’s hands from his hair, holding them. He hopes it’s alright. Ed had kissed him, after all. Hand holding was a step down from that, he thinks.

“I love you,” Ed whispers, avoiding eye contact, “but I can’t forgive you. You killed Isabella… you hurt me… yet I understand why you did it, and I can’t stop loving you. I don’t want to love you after what you did to me but I still do, and I don’t understand why that is.” Ed’s ‘I love you’ sends warmth rushing through him, easing the numbness. Yet… Oswald realizes he’s put Ed in a difficult position. How could Ed allow himself to have feelings for his girlfriend’s murderer? It was sick. Wrong. It was them.

“Then walk away, Ed. You’re hurting, and it’s confusing you, but your feelings for me will fade. You don’t love me the same way that I love you. I’ve accepted that. You’ll move on.” He doesn’t want to be the reason Ed tears himself apart. His feelings for Oswald clearly disturb him, and Oswald doesn’t wish to hurt him any more than he already has.

“Can you move on?” Ed asks. 

Why did he have to ask that? Oswald won’t lie to him.

“I still believe that you are the one true love of my life. The only one. You always will be. I can never stop loving you, and I can never move on…” There’s more he wants to say.

“Don’t let my feelings influence your decision, because above all else… I want you to be happy, Ed. Whatever that entails.” Even if that meant his own suffering.

“What I did… it ruined your happiness. I didn’t know that your happiness was more important to me than my own until I had already taken it from you. For that, I am truly sorry. I will regret the hurt I caused you every day, for the rest of my life. I don’t expect this to make a difference in how you feel about me, but it’s the truth.”

Ed blinks more tears from his eyes, “Damn you, Oswald. Damn you!” He batters Oswald’s chest with his fists, but Oswald hardly feels it. He tugs Ed to his chest and he sobs again, shaking like a leaf. Ed doesn’t try to speak again until his shaking subsides.

“Penguins mate for life,” Ed whispers.

“What was that?” Oswald says, still in a daze. Ed is giving him emotional whiplash. He can’t figure him out. Ed pulls himself from the embrace and kisses him again. Oswald kisses him back. He told Ed to leave once, he doesn’t think he can do it again. He resisted this once but if this is the only chance he has to kiss the love of his life, he wants it. He’s not strong enough to be the person Ed deserves: he knows that now.

“I still don’t forgive you, I don’t think I ever can,” Ed says. Oswald understands. Ed sighs.

“But… you didn’t mean to hurt me. I don’t think you ever will. That makes the thought of loving you… more palatable. I do love you, Oswald. I just need time to think about what you told me.”

“Ed, I think you should walk away.” It hurts him to say it, but it’s true. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to say it a third time. “I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you again. It tends to be a recurring theme in my life.” 

Ed ignores him, his tone becoming more clipped and businesslike as he says, “I’m going to call off my deal with Miss Kean, but I’m not fixing what I’ve already done. You deserved it.”

“I did,” Oswald agrees. _And more_. He can’t help but feel Ed’s letting him off easy.

“You should know… I never wanted to kill you, Oswald. I couldn’t. I’ve killed men for far less than what you did to me, but I couldn’t go through with it. I know now that it was because I love you… but it’s still hard for me to accept that I was, am, in love with my girlfriend’s murderer.” Inexplicably, Ed laughs. “I guess now I know how Kristen felt.” Oh, Miss Kringle. Everything with Ed led back to her. 

“Isn’t that even more reason for you to be afraid of me?” Oswald says. If Oswald was to Ed as Ed was to Kristen in this situation, then Ed should be a good deal more concerned for his safety. Ed looks sharply at him.

“I’ve never been afraid of you, Oswald… you’re just like me.” Ed kisses him again, as if to prove it.

“I do need to go, though. We have something very unpleasant lined up for you and I need to call it off before they execute.”

“Take Gabe with you,” Oswald says quickly. Ed’s playing a dangerous game with those three, and he knows for a fact that they will toss Ed aside as soon as they’re done using him.

“How do you know I won’t just join them and kill him?” Ed asks. 

“I don’t. But I want you to be safe, regardless of whatever decision you make. It wouldn’t matter if you did, though. I deserve whatever punishment you deem fit for my actions. I trust you’ll be fair.” 

“If I were fair, you’d be dead,” Ed scoffs. He seems disappointed. How he must long to properly avenge Isabella’s murder, only to find himself incapable in light of his love for the murderer. It’s quite tragic, really, Oswald supposes.

“But I’m not. Why is that?” Oswald already knows. He just likes hearing Ed say it, even if it’s still tainted with regret.

“Because I love you,” Ed admits again. It’s their weakness. They’ve become each other’s weakness.

“That’s why I’m letting you go,” Oswald says. The concept has more meaning than Ed knows.

Once, when he was young, his mother had helped him rescue a small bird which had fallen from its nest. They had raised it together, and when the time had come to release it, Oswald had wept bitter tears. Why couldn’t they keep it? He loved their little bird, it wasn’t fair!

Oswald will never forget what his mother told him: “ _If you love something, let it go._ ”

Ed stands. He hesitates, then extends a hand, pulling Oswald to his feet. Oswald’s leg aches, but he would do it all again. He doesn’t let the pain show. Ed doesn’t seem sure of what to do.

“Gabe’s waiting outside the of the door,” Oswald says. “Tell him to go with you.”

Ed looks shocked. “You mean this whole time-”

“Everyone is under the same orders as before. You still have free reign over the house.” Oswald couldn’t bear the thought of turning Ed out of his home, of barring the doors to him. He knew it wasn’t safe, but he didn’t care. Gabe was always near, but under strict orders not to harm Edward, no matter what happened to Oswald.

Ed’s eyes roam over his face, calculating.

“You’re not like me,” Ed decides.

“W-what do you mean?” Oswald’s stutters. He had thought they were getting somewhere! What had he said, what-

“You’ve a better man than I,” Ed whispers. “ _If you love something, let it go. If it comes back it was always yours. If it doesn’t, it never was_.”

Oswald is stunned. How is it that Ed always seemed to know the same phrases his mother used?

“I loved Miss Kringle, but not enough to let her go.” He sounds almost… wistful. His meaning is clear, now. Ed always has to use circular logic. Oswald pieces it together: Ed was implying he was not like him, that he was better, because Oswald loved him enough to let him leave without a fight. If only he had known that before killing Isabella.

Isabella had sparked that rage in him, telling him she would continue to fight for Ed. Oswald couldn’t just lay down and allow the competition to steal him away. No, he had to fight. He realizes just how futile that was. Before, Oswald wasn’t strong enough to let him leave without a fight. Now, he was broken enough to do so.

“I’m going to be better to you, you deserve that,” Oswald swears. He’s not strong enough to be the man Ed deserves, but maybe he’s weak enough. Ed’s eyes glisten.

“You’re off to a good start,” Ed says, his voice husky. He steps forward, sneaking his hands into Oswald’s hair and kissing him. Their previous kisses had been chaste, hesitant. This was not. Ed licks into his mouth, pressing the length of his body against Oswald’s. Clearly, something Oswald had said made Ed feel less tentative about loving him. 

Abruptly, he stops, taking his hands from Oswald’s hair and strutting to the doorway. He stops beneath the doorframe, and he doesn’t turn around when he speaks again.

“I still don’t forgive you,” he repeats. This must be his new mantra for Oswald. Just as quickly, he’s striding through the door, gone.

It’s a start.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me anything in the comments (preferably that I'm smart and amazing).


End file.
